Empathy in the Crosshairs
The #1 Bestselling non-fiction paperback for the last few weeks was On Tyranny by Timothy Snyder. In second place was Bessel van der Kolk’s classic book on trauma, The Body Keeps the Score. What does that tell you? It tells me that Americans want to know how to stand up to authoritarianism, and at the same time, are feeling traumatized.
No surprise, given what the principal architect of Project 2025 said, after he was given the keys and passwords to the federal Office of Personnel Management (which is like the fox guarding the henhouse, but amplified 100,000 times): “we want the bureaucrats to be traumatically affected.” How’s that for inspiring leadership?
This week, the new head of the Department of Health & Human Services cut 10,000 jobs and eliminated dozens of programs, including safety net stalwarts Head Start and Meals on Wheels, as well as HIV prevention, Alzheimer’s research, and the Suicide Crisis Hotline. Many of those who lost their jobs found out when they tried to badge in and couldn’t.
Then there’s the man in black who appears to be in charge – you know, the chainsaw-brandishing guy who claims Social Security is a Ponzi scheme – and who has said “empathy is the fundamental weakness of Western civilization.” Our government has been taken over by a band of sociopaths! And I mean that in the most accurate clinical sense.
As a mental health expert, I know how dangerous it is to have sociopaths in charge. With empathy in the crosshairs, the most vulnerable members of our society – children, the elderly, people with disabilities and special needs – are the first to lose essential services. Next are all of the hard-working, dedicated public servants, from national park rangers to school nurses. All of us who are compassionate and have built our lives around being helpers are now regarded as weak, irrational, and out of touch with reality.
Earlier this week I heard a discussion on the radio about empathy, and realized that some people don’t actually know what it is. At least they’re using the word incorrectly, equating it with “getting all emotional,” and making decisions based on emotions rather than logic, as in “people with empathy want to open the borders to everyone without limits.” This is not true, in fact, being empathetic better informs sound and rational decision-making.
Fundamentally, empathy is being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, to sense or imagine what their life is like, and to see things from their perspective. Dictionary.com gives this definition: “the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the emotions, thoughts, or attitudes of another,” and offers this sentence: Having faced many of the same challenges, Nyala has empathy for immigrants and what it feels like to go through those challenges.
Some people confuse empathy with sympathy, but here’s the key difference: having empathy for others means feeling their pain, while having sympathy means feeling sorry for them. With empathy, you’re on equal footing, whereas sympathy is looking down on others.
Going back to my statement representing the current administration as “a band of sociopaths,” I’d like to clarify that I’m not just name-calling people whose actions I disagree with, and explain why I believe it’s an accurate description.
Let’s start with what Dictionary.com says. It defines “sociopath” as “a person with a psychopathic personality whose behavior is antisocial, often criminal, and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience.” One of the example sentences it offers is: After he dropped out of the race in August, Kennedy endorsed Trump, a man he had previously labeled a likely “sociopath.” (Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! Or as my sister would say, takes one to know one!)
Let’s unpack that definition a bit. First, what is a “psychopathic personality”? And what’s the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath, which many people use interchangeably to describe several members of the administration?
Turning to the DSM-5, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, used by mental health professionals everywhere, it may surprise you to know there is no “psychopathic personality disorder,” nor “sociopathic personality disorder.” What we find instead is that psychopathy and sociopathy are mentioned multiple times in the descriptions of both “antisocial personality disorder” and “narcissistic personality disorder.”
For example: “The essential feature of antisocial personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others,” (p 659), while “The essential feature of a narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy” (p 670). We read that “Lack of empathy, inflated self-appraisal, and superficial charm are features that have been commonly included in traditional conceptions of psychopathy” (p 660), and furthermore, “Individuals with antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder share a tendency to be tough-minded, glib, superficial, exploitative, and lack empathy” (p 662).
Notice that there’s a lot of overlap here, and that “lack of empathy” is a core feature of both personality disorders. Which brings us back to why I believe empathy is “in the crosshairs” of this administration. Because they lack the capacity to put themselves in another’s shoes, or to see another person’s needs as valid, it is easy for them to exploit others for their own needs. Empathy is equivalent to having a moral or social conscience, which narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths all lack. Understanding this makes their actions comprehensible, although reprehensible.
When you can put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and understand their point of view, it allows you to build respect and trust, which can lead to collaboration and creative problem-solving, to finding solutions that benefit all rather than only one individual or group. This is an essential feature of a civilized and democratic society. So no, Elon, empathy is not our greatest weakness. Empathy is actually our superpower!
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Healing from the Trauma of Toxic Narcissism
I have been struggling to write something relevant to the current political and social turmoil that might be helpful; yet while I have many opinions, I am not an expert at political, economic, or social trends. But one thing I do know about is narcissism and its effects.
I know that narcissism exists on a spectrum, from charmingly self-absorbed to pathologically destructive, and I’ve known people who fall all along that spectrum. I’ve witnessed the effects of growing up with a narcissistic family member; I’ve been personally affected; and I’ve spent years in therapy healing from it. I’ve had several narcissistic bosses. And I’ve also had, not surprisingly, lots of clients who are dealing with the effects of a narcissist in their lives.
I have been triggered by the election of a pathological narcissist to the highest office in the land, and felt somewhat traumatized these past four years by his words and actions. I know many others have as well. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to write about it until now, now that he’s finally headed out the door. (Cue, “Hit the road, Jack, and don’t come back no more no more no more no more. . . .”)
Because of my experience, I have excellent radar for narcissists, and avoid them whenever possible. This one’s extreme narcissism seemed so glaringly obvious, I didn’t understand why people voted for him in the first place, and I’ve been at a loss to make sense of why so many voted for him again, after seeing four years of his total lack of empathy and concern for others, the self-aggrandizement, the grandiosity, the meanness, the lies, lies and more lies. His “purposeful, vindictive chaos,” as I heard Jon Stewart say on the Colbert Show in January 2017.
When you grow up with a narcissistic parent, your own sense of self doesn’t fully develop. You are more vulnerable to being manipulated by other narcissists, because you’ve been trained to seek affirmation through people-pleasing. You are more likely to be attracted to, and seek out relationships with, other narcissists. Or you may eventually become one. Unless, of course, you’re lucky enough to have some positive, nurturing adults in your life, and the opportunity to get therapy, and to find a support group.
The support group I found, quite by accident, was Adult Children of Alcoholics, a self-help group modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous. At my first meeting in 1982, I was completely blown away as I heard others sharing thoughts, feelings and experiences just like mine, which I had never told anyone. For the first time in my life, I felt I belonged. Which was very weird, because there were no active alcoholics in my family.
Turns out that narcissism is a key trait of alcoholism, and the two co-occur in families with great frequency. In fact, today the group is called Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families. I also learned later that the effects of growing up with an alcoholic can be passed down over generations. But I didn’t need to know those things in order to know that I should keep going to ACOA meetings. What I learned there was tremendously helpful in healing my own wounds, and allowed me to become a healer for others.
When you grow up with an alcoholic parent, you are vulnerable to becoming addicted yourself, whether to alcohol, another substance, or compulsive behaviors like gambling and shopping. You’re also more likely to be attracted to, and seek out relationships with, other alcoholics or addicts. You may become a people-pleaser, or be terrified of abandonment. The most common traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics have been compiled by members, and called The Laundry List.
Back in the 1980’s, when I was learning about my own dysfunctional family dynamics, there was a popular PBS show hosted by a man named John Bradshaw, who talked about family dysfunction caused by alcoholism, and explained how the children in these families each take on different roles to protect themselves, or other family members, from the chaos, confusion, and fear that the alcoholic’s unpredictable rages and destructive behaviors cause. They may become super-responsible, taking over the parent’s role, or they become enablers or super-caregivers. They might fight back against the alcoholic’s raging, or they might try to become invisible and disappear.
Everyone in this country has been affected by the actions of the narcissist in the White House, but just like in alcoholic families, the effects are different for different people. Some people have taken heroic action to speak up and stand up to his bullying behavior, risking their jobs. Others have mirrored him, seeking his approval by striving to be just like him. Others have exhausted themselves trying to make everyone else happy. And some are simply lost, numb, mute. Those are the ones I’m most worried about.
When you don’t develop a healthy sense of self, you can’t take care of yourself. When your sense of self is distorted by narcissism, you can’t take care of others. The narcissistic parent only loves him/herself, and demands unconditional adoration while dispensing scorn and disdain. That is a traumatizing experience for a child. This country is now full of people who have been traumatized by the narcissist in the White House, directly or indirectly.
Rates of substance abuse and addiction are up, so are rates of anxiety, depression and suicide. The effects of trauma show up in other ways: emotional withdrawal or dysregulation, nightmares and insomnia, difficulties in interpersonal relationships, bullying behavior, lack of academic or career progress, or outright failure to navigate the stages of adulthood.
So now what? How do we begin to heal these wounds? We can start by recognizing what has happened to us, and calling it what it is: the Trauma of Toxic Narcissism. Trauma therapists know that the most important first step in healing trauma is to create a safe space for trauma survivors to process what’s happened. Even when the toxic terrorizer has been vanquished, people still may not feel safe. (I know people who didn’t feel safe even after their narcissistic bully was dead.) Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, has some wonderful videos and resources on Healing from Trauma, and Lisa Najavits has excellent books and trainings on Seeking Safety originally developed for women with PTSD and addiction.
We also need to take immediate and strong action to stop the proliferation of toxic ideas and behaviors that the narcissist has spawned, stopping these Mini-Me’s in their tracks so they can no longer intimidate others. The United Nations has published guidance on countering COVID-19 hate speech, which builds on their global plan to counteract hate speech and contains recommendations for business leaders and individuals. This might be a starting point.
I wish everyone would learn what I have known for years: the narcissist doesn’t change. He doesn’t listen to feedback, he doesn’t learn from his mistakes, he doesn’t acquire wisdom, and he is incapable of developing compassion. He only becomes more of what he is: vain, selfish, mean, delusional. But WE can change, and that’s what truly matters.
Above image created by Freepik – www.freepik.com
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