Did the Election Kill Our Hopes and Dreams for a Better World?

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” Desmond Tutu

Well, I was hoping to retire in 2025, but after the election, it looks like my services are needed more than ever, and may be for years to come. So this is my first post in a long time, but it won’t be the last.

These are challenging times. The emotions people have described to me run the gamut, including afraid, angry, anxious, despairing, disillusioned, grieving, heartbroken, and sad. I tell them, these are all normal reactions to an abnormal set of circumstances, and it is entirely appropriate to feel like mourning, or crawling under the covers, or seeking a way to numb yourself. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or others, however, it is imperative that you let your therapist or me know right away.

It is also a very strange time. Many of us are feeling like we’re at a funeral, or sitting shiva, while on the other side of the street, people are shouting for joy and turning cartwheels. It feels surreal. It’s hard to be on social media right now, let alone out in the world. You may not feel safe, and you may in reality no longer be safe, if you’re a member of one of the groups that the incoming administration despises.

You may be feeling alone right now. It’s as if the majority of the country has turned in a totally different direction than the one you had believed we were all heading toward. And maybe your friends, the ones who believe in what you believe in, are too distraught to even talk about it. But you’re not alone, I assure you. There are millions of Americans who still believe that a kinder, more tolerant, more equitable and more socially just world is possible.

I am not an economist, historian, or political analyst, so I’m not going to try to explain what happened, or why. I intend to stay in my lane here, by speaking from both personal and professional experience about pathological narcissism and its toxic effects. In my family of origin, I was the one who first confronted mistreatment, and called out the lies and distortions of reality, and for that I was scapegoated. So I have always supported the victims of bullying behavior, and I learned at an early age to judge people’s character by their actions, not their empty promises.

I am a psychotherapist by training, a social worker by education, and a lifelong observer of people, so I’ve learned a lot about human nature, both its positive or “prosocial” side, which I believe is our true nature, as well as its dark, antisocial side. I’m not religious, but have come to believe in the existence of evil.

And while I’m not a Buddhist, I am a student of Buddhism, which refers to those darker impulses of human nature as “greed, hatred and delusion.” So I will say that it looks like greed, hatred and delusion have won this time, vanquishing the benevolent forces of generosity, kindness, and tolerance of differences. But if they’ve won the battle, I refuse to believe they’ve won the war, because there are simply too many of us on the other side.

So if you’re having a hard time coping right now, if your anger or fear or sorrow or despair are getting the best of you, please, please, please reach out. I am here and I want to help, whether to take you on as a psychotherapy patient, or as a member of one of my mindfulness groups, or by finding another therapist or support group for you. Together we can help you get grounded, find your voice and inner strength, and perhaps then figure out what role, if any, you want to play in what I’m going to call “the resistance movement.”

Thank you for reading – may you be safe and free from harm.

As another astute observer of human behavior once said, this wannabe dictator’s ideology is “purposeful, vindictive chaos,” and “it is going to take relentless stamina, vigilance, and every institutional check and balance this great country can muster” to stop his destruction. “No one action will be adequate, all actions will be necessary.” (Jon Stewart on the Stephen Colbert show, 1/31/17)

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Living with Loneliness

Loneliness, a normal part of the human condition, has reached epidemic proportions in recent years. Amplified by the social isolation that the COVID pandemic imposed (and continues to demand of the elderly and the immune-compromised), loneliness as a social issue was already on the rise. As I wrote in a 2017 post on social support (1), a national survey revealed that 25% of Americans said they had no one in whom they could confide or share a personal problem. (A similar survey in 1985 had reported that most people had at least 2 – 3 trusted confidants.)

The highest reported rates of loneliness are among seniors, who are more likely to be living alone, retired from the workforce, and needing to protect themselves from the risks of catching not only COVID but all of the other viruses circulating out there. One of the most unfortunate consequences of our modern society, particularly in this country, is the sidelining of elders, who in earlier generations were considered a necessary part of a family, whether as caregivers for grandchildren and keepers of the home fire, or as sources of wisdom and familial history and traditions. Now, many elders are left feeling superflous, invisible, not belonging anywhere.

Right behind seniors in reported rates of loneliness are teens, who are developmentally still learning social interaction rules and skills, and who were hit hard by the closing of schools during the lockdown. Some still have not returned, or have dropped out. Teens lack the perspective that “this too shall pass,” giving more urgency to current distressing circumstances. And they are more reliant on their smart phones and social media, which create a false sense of being connected while not requiring any direct social interaction at all.

And in between are the rest of us, who may be experiencing loneliness for a variety of reasons, and to a greater degree than before. Everyone feels lonely sometimes, but as a recent article in The Atlantic says, “emerging evidence suggests that we are in the midst of a long-term crisis of habitual loneliness, in which relationships were severed and never reestablished.”(2)

According to Vivek Murthy, US Surgeon General, this is a public health issue.(3) Indeed, research has shown that loneliness is a risk factor for several kinds of health problems, including cardiovascular disease and dementia, as well as mental health, especially depression and suicide.(4)

While other nations (Japan,England) have created governmental agencies tasked with finding solutions to loneliness (5) the US has tended to regard it as an individual problem rather than a societal one, leaving Americans to cope with loneliness on their own. Ironic, but not surprising!

So if you are experiencing loneliness, you’re not alone! Know that this is a common condition in today’s world, caused by many factors over which we have little or no control (including the pandemic, political polarization, and over-reliance on smart phones and social media) so you are not to blame. I repeat, it is not your fault.

However, it is up to you to do something about it. The best remedy for loneliness is to reach out to other people – not to ask for help, but rather to offer it, either as a volunteer or a friend. There’s truth to the old adage, “get busy helping others and you’ll soon forget your own troubles.” As I have written previously,

It is easier to give than receive. Most people find it much easier to offer help, than to be the one asking for help. Research on the health benefits of social support shows that while giving support is correlated with health and living longer, receiving support conveys no longevity benefit. Perhaps this is because it’s stressful to ask for help, or because those who receive support are already suffering more ill-effects of stress. (6)

Find something you can do that will force you to get out and interact with other people. Make an effort to be kind and friendly to others. Look for opportunities to interact in person, from taking a walk with a friend to signing up for a class at a senior center or community college. Don’t be afraid to call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while – there’s a good chance that they may also be feeling lonely! And finally, if you’re not already seeing a therapist, consider contacting one. It can help just to talk about it.

NOTES

1. Here’s the blog post I wrote in 2017 on social support, that includes this startling statistic: Social Support – The Survey

2. “How We Learned to be Lonely,” by Arthur C. Brooks, The Atlantic, 1/5/23 (if you can’t access this online, let me know and I can send you a copy of the article from the print edition)

3. “The Pandemic of Loneliness,” article on the California Health Care Foundation website, published 8/2/21

4. “How Loneliness is Damaging Our Health,” by John Leland, New York Times online edition, 4/20/22

5. Vivek Murthy speaking at online international conference on loneliness, sponsored by the UK’s Campaign to End Loneliness (2/8/23)

6. Quote from my second blog post on social support in 2017

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8 Tips to Relieve Seasonal Depression

Today, the shortest day of the year (in the northern hemisphere) is a good day to talk about seasonal depression. At my latitude, there are fewer than ten hours between sunrise and sunset. That’s bad news for people like me, who have a hard time getting up before daylight. If it’s cold outside too, that makes it harder to fight the urge to stay in bed, or at least in PJs, all day. In the winter months I’m more sluggish, prone to irritability and sadness, and more likely to take a negative view of things. I’m not clinically depressed, however, I’m just very affected by sunlight, and the absence of it.
 

While many people are similarly affected, some do experience a true clinical depression during the winter, whether caused or simply made worse by the absence of sunlight. Here are some tips for coping with seasonal depression, or SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder, as it’s known in the clinical literature), gathered from both my experience as well as scientific research.
 

Wherever you are on the SAD – Depression spectrum, I’ve learned that giving in to those urges to hide under the covers, sleep all day, isolate from people, or use alcohol, food, or other substances to numb your emotional sensitivity just doesn’t work. These things actually feed the depression, and keep it going longer. What works better instead:
 

1) Move your body! Even though it might feel like slogging through molasses, and your stiff joints may complain loudly, get up and do physical exercise, or some kind of movement. Exercise has been well documented to be one of the most effective treatments for depression – more effective than medication, and without any negative side effects.
 

When we get depressed, stressed, anxious or fearful, there’s an unconscious tightening of muscles, and a holding in of emotion, that produces a tension throughout the body. We have many expressions for this, including “putting the armor on,” “hardening our shell,” or “holding it together.” This takes effort, and expends physical energy, so if we’re doing it for a long time, we’ll get tired, even to the point of exhaustion. Have you ever felt so exhausted you couldn’t relax or sleep? When that happens, what actually helps the most is to start moving your body.
 

Don’t overdo it at first, just take a walk, do some gentle yoga or stretching, or any easy movement that will allow those tense muscles to loosen, and will also release neurotransmitters that can improve mood. I recommend this slightly dated but still excellent article on the benefits of exercise in Scientific American Mind: The Exercise Cure – Why it may be the best fix for depression
 

2) Stop feeding your depression. When mood and energy are low, we’re much more likely to crave sugary foods and drinks, as well as caffeine, to get us going. While anything with sugar will often give a brief burst of energy, it’s the wrong kind of energy, leaving you more depleted after the quick high wears off. And although the temptation to imbibe may be strong, especially around the holidays, keep in mind that alcohol is actually a central nervous system depressant. Both alcohol and sweets will feed depression far more than relieve it. If you want to learn more about why we crave sugar, and how it affects mood, cognitive function and health, I highly recommend Gary Taube’s 2017 book, The Case Against Sugar.
 

If you are a coffee or tea drinker, it may help to increase your consumption of caffeine a little during the dark days of winter. But leave the sugar out, and try stevia, or any kind of milk (almond, oat, soy, or dairy) instead. If you simply must have a sweet treat, balance it with lean protein (e.g. low fat milk, cheese, or yogurt). Add more fruits and vegetables to your diet. If you’re not a big fan of vegetables, try putting them in a smoothie with some fruit, cook them in soup or stew, or stir fry them. My colleague Susan Blanc, nutritionist and cooking teacher, has some great classes and recipes to improve mood and brain health: Kitchen Table Remedies
 

3) Let the sunshine in. Seasonal depression is often a function of lack of sunlight, which helps our bodies produce Vitamin D, needed to help us regulate sleep, energy, and mood. Fortunately for those of us who live in California, we rarely have to wait very long for a sunny day. If the sun is shining right now as you’re reading this, stop! Use this time instead to get outside and go for a walk, or at the very least, find a sunny spot to sit and soak up some rays for 10 -15 minutes. If the sun hasn’t been out for awhile where you are, and/or you’re particularly sensitive to seasonal depression, you might want to look into getting a light box. Here’s a link to some solidly researched information on how light boxes help, and how to use them safely: Light therapies for depression
 

4) Do an enjoyable activity. Research from Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy has shown that doing an activity that gives you pleasure or mastery, or both, is one of the most effective ways to get out of a low mood. When we’re down in the dumps, that self-critical inner voice is most active, telling us we shouldn’t do something fun or pleasurable until we get our work done. But if you’re not getting your work done because your mood and energy are low, then you need to reverse-engineer this, because motivation works backwards in depression. So give yourself permission to do a fun activity, something you enjoy and that just might put a smile on your face. Play an instrument, do a craft or hobby, watch a favorite TV show or funny movie – you get the idea. One caveat: do it for 30 minutes to a couple of hours; you don’t get to do this all day!
 

5) Clean or declutter your space.. If nothing sounds like it would be fun or give you pleasure, you may be suffering from one of the hallmark symptoms of clinical depression: anhedonia, a loss of interest in things that normally are pleasurable. So if that’s where you’re at right now, think of something you can do that will give you a sense of mastery or accomplishment. Pick a fairly simple task, one that will yield a visible result, like decluttering your desk or work space, organizing a drawer, or even washing dishes, and set a timer for 15 minutes so that you don’t get bogged down in it. When the timer goes off, take a break. Then you can choose whether to continue working on the task, or do something else. Clearing a space can help clear the mind. For more tips on how to clean & declutter, 15 minutes at a time, visit The FlyLady (no, she’s not an insect, she’s a human who loves fly fishing and helping people get control of their clutter).
 

6) Don’t be a hermit.. Depression can make contact with others challenging, so we isolate instead. And the pandemic has made social contact even more challenging, and isolation more common. But humans are social animals, and we are hard-wired for face-to-face connection to help regulate our moods and emotions. Among other benefits, it releases oxytocin, a chemical that promotes feelings of safety, security, and connectedness. So if you’ve been hiding out, relying on social media to feel connected, use your phone the old-fashioned way, and call a friend, or put the phone down and just go talk to someone. Don’t start the conversation with how depressed you are (and don’t talk about politics!) – instead, ask them about what they’ve been up to, or pick a more neutral topic, like the weather, sports, or the latest crop of movies. Make eye contact, and maybe even try a hug.
 

7) Listen to music. Music not only soothes the soul, but helps us feel connected with others. I recently attended a concert where the audience was asked, “in the midst of chaos, how do you find peace?” As I listened, I meditated on how music has helped people throughout history transcend their suffering. I thought about the origins of jazz and the blues, the protest songs of the 60’s, and my own personal soundtrack of favorite albums and artists that have helped me through troubled times (including the song with this line: “Everybody’s had the blues sometime, and everybody knows the tune.”) What are your favorite tunes? Can you sing or play one of them right now?
 

8) Get out in nature. I have found that one of the most effective ways to relieve my depression, stress, or anxiety, is to go for a walk in the hills near my home, or drive to a nearby regional park for a hike. Not only do I get the benefits of fresh air, maybe some sunshine, and moving my body, but it’s very powerful to ground myself in the natural world. Even if you don’t have access to a park, there are birds, trees, and wild creatures that exist in almost every environment. (The photo with the monarch butterflies was taken in Pacific Grove in February 2016.)
 

Putting it all together: Reach out to a friend you haven’t seen in awhile, and make a commitment to do an activity together: have coffee or lunch, take a walk in the park, go to a musical performance or art exhibit. Or go for the Trifecta and do all three!
 

If this sounds overwhelming, remember that motivation works backwards in depression, so you’re going to have to challenge yourself. Consider also that face-to-face contact with people you care about, especially sharing a meal together, stimulates the production of oxytocin, the chemical in your brain that helps you feel safe and connected. Remember that moving your body will release the tension that comes from resisting reality, and may actually give you more energy as it helps produce mood-enhancing neurotransmitters. And finally, don’t forget that fresh air and sunshine replenish essential nutrients that improve mood; and that music (and art) soothe the soul and stimulate right-brain creativity and positivity.

(This article has been updated from a previous article I wrote on 12/21/16.)

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